The First Account - PART III: Analysis

"Trust but verify" - Ronald Reagan

It should be known to the casual reader, that Chaos Magick is very much focused on results, a practitioner of Chaos Magick doesn't get attached to dogma or formula, they bend and twist the path and the tools and the working to match their needs and their energy, and they record the results.  either in a journal, or in an honest, and preferably skeptical format. 

Some carry this out more honestly than others... 

For this reason, I have always been open to different interpretations of what happened that began the path of madness in my life.  From every kind of magick tradition to every form of scientific skepticism.  I am often told I am honest to a fault, this is mainly because it is the best way to lie.  but I have always held that my true secrets hide themselves.  So I have always been honest, though sometimes diplomatic, or other times acting as if I was repentant of my evil flirtation with the devil, or regretful for dabbling in Magick and not taking it seriously. 

Christians have told me it was a demonic force that possessed me and that I should come to church and repent and seek help from a priest or official in the clergy. 

Of course, scientific Skeptics, and average people have called me insane. 

Psychologists have been diplomatic, suggesting that it "could" have been real, but it could have been a kind of hysteria, or possibly schizophrenia.  I was never diagnosed clinically with the latter, but I snuck a peek at the Lead psyches notes at one point and saw "mild schizophrenia" circled with a Question mark.  

I have been to shamans and told it was a dark enemy spirit... that I needed to seek out my spirit guide and do some peyote.   

I have been to Wiccans, psychics, and others who have said what I experienced was bad.  That I was under psychic attack, that I needed to do their version of repentance and exorcism or reiki or smudging or whatever else they wanted to sell me for 20$ an hour. 

I went to Zen layman and they would just smile and nod, and tell me I was just playing a fun game with myself.  

Of all the different answers I got, the latter felt the truest.  Not that I wasn't experiencing something magickal.  I was very likely insane too.  But that I wasn't a victim.  Not in the least.  I never felt victimized, I wasn't scared, I wasn't worried. I felt like even when I wasn't in control, I was safe and in control.

My initial fear, the cold chills, and tingling weren't fear of the sort one feels in mortal danger, but the kind of fear a young boy feels the first time he's going on a date or taking their driver's license test.

What had almost certainly happened, was that in our loose interpretive working with the Simon Necronomicon, we had begun to reach a state of Gnosis, and when we performed that ritual the gnosis was likely nearly perfect.  This caused a shift in our psychological state and opened us up to something more subtle, a current of energy that is outside, or perhaps deep inside what we see every day.

What we experienced weren't supernatural miracles, but physical manifestations of plausible reality.

What we saw we saw on a personal level, each seeing their own meaningful metaphors.  Where I had seen a vision of a being not unlike Shub Niggurath, my companions might have seen a vision of Lucifer, or a busted steam fitting blasting steam in a scary shape in the dark. 

What we heard as voices and people falling down stairs, sounded different to each of us, this was confirmed the more I spoke to Arthur, who agreed in hearing what sounded like his brother falling, but he never really heard the voice calling and we disagreed on how bad the fall sounded.  

Only a very small part of the story could not be explained as a subjective hallucination of some kind.

Each person in the room agreed that when I was being pulled into the boiler room, there was no way I could have been doing it, I was at too odd an angle and should have fallen to my back, the two young men were pulling me down and back into the circle with all their strength and I was at roughly a 45 degree angle with my hands out as if being pulled toward the dark room and it felt like I was being pulled by something equally as strong as they were pulling me backward.  They said when it let go, it was a gradual release.  they could feel it.

Was this a supernatural event?  Did a being like the one that apparently spoke through me do this? Or did my own psychic power manifest a psychokinetic result?  Or had the Gnosis of fear and shared experience in the same occult working, cause a kind of hypnotic mass hysteria that caused Arthur and Freddy to experience the same thing?

Or, of course, were they so scared and worked up that their memory of the situation invent the whole 45 degrees part, where in reality I was holding on the door frame, trying to keep myself from falling while fainting thus resisting their pull back and down into the circle?

Depending on who you are, you will decide for yourself that it is one or another of those options.

The skeptic will, of course, agree with the latter, the Demonologist with the former, and the Chaote with one of the 2 plausible answers in the middle.

But what if the skeptic is right and I wasn' levitating or being pulled supernaturally, might it then be possible that a demonic entity was messing with our minds and causing us to see things in a way that seemed supernatural and scary?  Or maybe it was a kind of hypnotic gnosis that caused a hallucination?  

This is where the Magick happens after all, in the wondering.  Not in the knowing.

At least that is how I operate now.

In a real sense, it doesn't matter, as a Dialectic Monist, I was doing all of it. the names the different parts give themselves don't matter, they are all me anyway.

Be it completely rational and scientific, or Demonic, or Psychic, or some combination, I did it all.

As I was present in each place at the same time, but aware of only the self.  The D.H. Thorne Self, and in turn the Arthur Self, and the Freddy self.

And thus continuing on aware only of the self that is reading this now, and coming up with it's own beliefs.

All these selves are the SELF, and each one is real and true subjectively.  And this too is where the magick happens.

True magick is personal, it is all pervasive and transactional.

When the left-hand pulls down on the steering wheel of magick the right hand pushed up on the wheel.  they both insist they are in opposition, but they cannot help but create the same result, the wheel turns, and the hands really are one and the same, just on opposite sides of the self.

 In the end, this is the spirit with which I shall be continuing my studies and pathwork.

I will embrace my own skepticism, I will be as Terrence McKenna's Doubter.  But I will believe, just enough so that I try.  Because as I know myself to be all... And that I am not in control over anything outside of me, or even myself, because there is nothing to be in control over outside myself, and as there is only myself, control is all that I am.  there is no free will because there is no other will that your will can be free of.  There is ONLY will, and that will is your own.

"Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" - Crowley. 

Thank you for reading along thus far... I will return soon with more of the story after the First Account, at some point talking about the cult I lead, and the things I saw.

-D.H. Thorne




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