About last night - I need to focus
"It's right behind me... isn't it?" - that moment just before you figure out that you done fucked up.
OK, I get it now. Last night I was given a message by the old ones, and I ignored it, and now I need to correct my course. Let this post be a lesson on both Wu Wei (not forcing things against the accordance with your true will), and also to make sure you pay attention to the beings you have communion with... Especially the old ones.
For those following along, I wrote THIS inspired synthesis of a great deal of occult and mystic knowledge for everyone. It got a great response from a lot of people. All that I know of the fundamental singularity of reality was distilled down to the key conceptual source material fairly eloquently. So eloquently I felt I needed to make a series of posts trying to teach people to understand what I understand. To make a series of posts teaching my brand of meditation.
Last night I was deep into writing the next blog post that popped out today on basic meditative skills.
I had to spend more time than I wanted on it to organize it in a step by step process others could understand, and I was working late into the night around 2 AM when I finished the article, trying to organize a method that would work and appeal to people.
But it was around this time that I was editing it and correcting mistakes that my house came alive with "Activity."
For the record, there was a time when my house was all kinds of haunted, things flew off shelves, voices were heard, things would go missing and turn up on top of places already searched. But it has been calm for almost 10 years now. (that is a story for another time).
Now I don't believe in "Ghosts." At least not as the spirits of the dead lingering in some kind of purgatory before purgatory. Usually, if there is any connection to the once living, it is an impression sensed by the individual, that manifests using the psychic will of the sensitive medium. IE, ghosts only appear to, or in the presence of, those who create them (intentionally or accidentally).
At first, I chalked up the noised and spooky feeling to the remnant of Flo blowing through the area causing strong winds and rain outside.
But as I wrote, I began to get more and more creeped out, More paranoid. The fish in my fish tank felt it too... Normally at that point in the night, they are lazing around "sleep swimming." But for almost an hour they were buzzing around, flickering in fear as if something was startling them. Again, I assumed this was just bumps in the night causing vibration scaring them...
It was right around 3AM (the true witching hour) when I began to see Schizophrenic style hallucinations. I would see movement out of the corner of my eye. I would feel eyes on me. I would hear distant and garbled speech in the walls. Then I began to see movement nearer the center of my vision. I realized, at last, this wasn't the storm.
SOMETHING was paying me a visit. The chills that ran down my spine were the last straw (a thing I have come to rely on as a sign of activity because I normally don't feel that way ever otherwise).
I began what I call talking to the corners of the room, as one does when spookery is afoot and you aren't "scared" of it.
I could not identify what was here, but it wanted my attention. I knew intuitively, It wanted me to stop dwelling on my work and pay it attention. I spoke to it, politely, because I could feel that this wasn't just a spook of some kind, but likely the old ones. But I wasn't feeling very receptive. I was feeling clouded, occulted. I thanked them for paying me a visit and asked them to return another time when I was in the right frame of mind to receive them.
I wrapped up my work, lit some incense to Nyarlathotep, and went to bed...
Come morning I did a final proofread of my article, and I was pretty happy with the quality though I felt it wasn't right... that is, it felt wrong, my intuition was telling me it wasn't what I should have written about. The text was what I meant it to be, but it felt wrong to post it. It was clear, concise and probably will help people.
Sure, it was VERY basic. Intentionally so. But I was kind of feeling lost, thinking I had bitten off more than I cared to chew, Not that I can't do it, but I didn't want to. I could write a book on the subject of meditation, but I don't want to. It would really just be a rehash of what anyone who devotes time into it learns.
Hours later... I am looking at my blog states for shits n giggles and all my posts have view counts in the hundreds. Since I started talking about my rite with Nyarlathotep. All but this one... with (at the time of this writing) 7. now I didn't share this one as much, I don't like spamming groups with daily ads for my content, I respect people enough not to do that.
But this was strange. Every other post I didn't advertise, was still seen by 30 or more organic return readers within the same timeframe.
Now, I'm not doing this for popularity, actually, I don't want to ever be so popular with this that I collect haters. I want just a handful of dedicated fans who enjoy my work... At least for now.
But I felt like I took the wrong step, I was stepping backward, I was losing the vision.
That isn't what this blog is about! It's about Dark gods, blood and sacrifice, insanity and ritual. Not filled with new age self-help. I want this to be a magnum opus of the darkest part of me, tempered by the light. Not some hippy-dippy drum circle shit.
I want this blog to be alive, to be a journal, a public Grimiour of sorts. So it should then include instruction when relevant... But I realized I was getting lost in the weeds. My way is not so dogmatic. My way is principle, and theory first, and then adopt and adapt ways that work to fit your needs. Not inventing new things from scratch just to go through the motions of being an authority on them.
I am best at synthesizing gnosis from the totality of wisdom, at seeing the pattern in the chaos and sharing the insights of the path.
I was mulling over packed earth I have already spent decades worrying over.
I realized outside this blog I had begun to get preachy in private conversations... I was polite, but I wanted to engage in an aggressive argument to show how ignorant the other party was and educate them on what they were missing. Ignoring my own wise words pontificating about the subject of co-reality.
I began to imagine haters criticising how basic that first article was, Sure, a total novice would find it really useful if they really worked with it. However, I felt I was not living up to the post that spawned it. I was deeply inspired when I wrote that "treatise" on meditation and induction etc.
And I am/was fully intending to make more advanced articles... But then this began to overcome me with a feeling, not of growth or sharing, but a great big obstacle to climb over. A fucking big nasty pile of distraction from my intended course.
That isn't what I wanted to fucking do...
I got back into this current, this 23 current to commune with the old ones who called me. Not teach a bunch of strangers how to do to what I do. Though I do want to back up some of my claims of mastery of these abilities with practices you can learn from. But I realize, those with discernment already know what I'm talking about, I don't need to prove it to them. And those who do not are either not ready for what I have to tell them, OR could find better instruction from someone who gives a shit about their ascension and progress.
This is why today was a waste of time.
Today I'm sitting here, having spent 3+ hours trying to write the follow-up article (3 hours? My longest articles take half an hour, 45 minutes tops normally, maybe an hour with edits). Trying to distill down a complex formula and method of active synthesis of Meditation and the occult... and I just crashed... I was lost in the weeds, and instead of writing automatically as I am now, my mind was filled with buzzing thoughts. So I took a break.
Where did the mojo go? Where was the creeping feeling of the OLD ones? Where was the gnosis?
I ended up listening to part of an audiobook by Crowley on Yoga (never read him at all), and say what you will about his interpretation of yoga (he has his critics, to put it mildly), but I began to hear my own words coming out of him...
A familiar chill...
I began to realize I was doing something wrong. I wasn't acting in accordance with my own will. I was now acting to try and show off or complete something I never really meant to do.
I was rehashing wisdom already better explained by others. I was repeating, regurgitating, and chewing my old cud. And for what?
I have been so distracted by trying to do this thing, I haven't even really experienced any synchronicity or intuitive flashes like I normally do.
Then... BANG! like a nova, it blows up in my mind... IT should have been obvious late last night, and maybe to you it is... but The Old ones came calling last night, or sent a messenger. They tried to remind me of what I am supposed to be doing here.
I am supposed to be working through the book, I am supposed to be learning the left hand, so I can unite it with the right, not teaching some secret, even one so basic, to those who may or may not be my ally, let alone ready or in need of such help.
I was going to carve my Ebony wand today, or craft a talisman, or even just compose some ambient music for a future home ritual.
And here I was, struggling to impress you people with things other people have already explained better than I ever will.
I promised at least one more, and I will do it, eventually. But if you want to learn advanced techniques, go find a patient teacher. You won't find one here,
The wrong insanity was creeping back in, the creeping crawling distraction from what I am. I'm better now.